Hello, 2024. Here I am.
I am a compilation of everywhere I’ve been, Everyone I’ve met. Their smiles now a reflection that I pass on. The world is infinitely beautiful. The depth of our open hearted nature reveals our own capacity to love and be loved.
I first started visiting India when I was 22 years old. On my first visit, I was hit hard with the overstimulation of every sense imaginable- sight, sound, smell, color, touch. India is a place that either brings you in, or spits you out. After traveling from South to North for many weeks, the unwanted touches, rancid odors, and digestive difficulty, I felt devoured. During this time, my budget was $10/a day which brought forth new challenges in finding comfort on the road. As my first real backpacking trip, I wanted to see everything under the sun. A yearning I still feel deep in my bones. I was moving quick from city to city- my first lesson in realizing that “home” is wherever you are. The amount of times I have chosen to re-learn that lesson in this lifetime is almost comical.
The monsoons hit and it was time to move on. I didn’t know when I’d be back. But after leaving without visiting Varanasi, I knew one day the calling to India would return. It came again at 26 right as 2020 started, a desire to deepen my yoga practice in its’ homeland. This year the world had other plans. I chose to start my yoga studies in the US, and found the most beautiful, loving, community in my childhood hometown, Jacksonville Beach, Florida. During this time, the visions of the Himalayas started to show up everywhere for me- repeating dreams of a specific building. They almost became a beacon, a guide, and a reminder of what was out there for me to explore.
It was October of 2022 that I made my first journey to Rishikesh. A foothills city in Northern India nestled along the sacred Ganga, dotted with yoga ashrams, teacher trainings, and cute cafes hidden along windy pathways.
Rishikesh is known as the city of sages. Its grid carries the codes of the many who have come before us to reach higher states of consciousness. For me, this energy was palpable, and I dove deep. I connected with this newfound family so deeply and cherish my relationships made during this time immensely. To Kate, Julia, Ishaan, Sandeep and the many more souls that passed through Yoga Vidya Mandiram in late 2022, thank you. Our time together was one of the highlights of my life.
From going to 8 different schools before age 10, I’ve honed the skill of picking up and moving on. It’s quite ingrained in my being. But when I went to leave this city after 5 weeks, there was this deep ache I had never quite felt before. It wasn’t time to go. I shed tears as I drove away from Ishaan, hearing the words, “We are family now, this is your home.” Little did I know this would be the last time we would see each other.
I held onto my connection with many of these friendships as we spent Saturday mornings meditating together. Scattered from Costa Rica, to South Africa, to London, and India, we kept deepening our practice. We gathered for the last time on my birthday last year. A week later, Ishaan lost his life swimming in Mother Ganga.
I was settling into my new home in the Osa Peninsula and resistance was everywhere. Sometimes when going through tough times, it’s hard to know when you are being challenged to test your commitments, or when spirit sends signs all around to help realign you in a better direction. I ignored these signs for a long time. My heart was longing to go back, as much as my strong-willed nature denied it.
My dreams of the building in India were reappearing with even more detail. White walls, blue accents, dark wood, maroon robes, lotus artwork, a humbling mountain landscape surrounding me as tears stream down my face. It was time to go back.
This past fall I made my third trip back to India. I was embraced immediately with her beauty. Stepping back on campus I first heard Sandeep lecturing about Shiva and Shakti to the new 200hr trainees. Familiar smiles greeted me all around the neighborhood, from the friendly faces at Bistro Nirvana to the owner’s of the Organic shop, and people I would never have expected to remember me. This served as a great reminder- when we travel we’re not just collecting new experiences. We’re co-creating new moments with people that ripple out in every direction. Never underestimate the impact you can make in people’s lives.
It felt a little strange not seeing Ishaan around at first, but as I meditated more on death, I began to see him everywhere. In the hair of a man passing by on a motorbike, in the warm smile of a woman in a cafe. We never leave, really. The light energy that we exchange is carried forward in a million fragments. We after all, become what we see.
Just as new friendships were forming, and connections that can’t be explained started intensifying, my onward ticket to Varanasi closed in. Eight years after my first visit to India, I was journeying to this ancient city to witness death from a new angle. It is thought that if you are cremated here, you escape samsara- the cycle of birth and death. Seeing human remains carried throughout the streets of India, I am reminded of our temporary and eternal nature. This body is ours. Yet we are not the body. Our souls have been gifted this body and mind as a vessel to experience all that life has to offer.
As I reflect in these last days of my 20s, I think through each and every place I’ve called home. One for each year of my life, + countless campsites, hotels, busses, and hostels that have held me at night. I’ve never been called to a traditional life. As hard as I’ve played with the idea of stability, it’s within change and experience that I develop into the truest expression of myself. Bold, unconventional, fearless.
Beyond any and all logic, I have such a deep knowing that more of my story is meant to play out in the sacred lands of India. So life has been looking a little bit different. Seeing love in a warm embrace after months apart, feeling love in difficult goodbyes and stories cut short are a normal part of my journey now. Experiencing the full range of human emotions and learning to find equanimity through it all - that’s what I’m here for.
I used to believe I left a piece of my heart behind in each place I went. Now I realize that those were just growing pains, and I’ve chosen to open up this new unbounded capacity for love.
In my Dad’s words, we all have to continually adjust to keep life’s game exciting. I’ve chosen to make friends with change, and it’s taking me on the ride of my life. Back to India I go this week.
To all my relations, Happy New Year. May it be full of authenticity, adventure, excitement, and most of all ~ love.